How To Be A Crorepati: The Politician
“Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.” – Abraham Lincoln, 1863.
Fast forward to 2012, as the end of the
world was near, a Women and Child Development Minister in India was
caught watching Porn, masterfully hiding the phone below the desk, in an
Assembly. You know how they say? “Chaos makes sinners out of priests.“
So what does it take to be a Politician?
Step 1: You Lick You Go Big
Very few are lucky enough to get dynasties handed down to them.
But for those of us who didn’t win lotteries in heaven, its important to say Neta hi deta. There is no better way to share a stage with the Netajis than wiping the dust from under their feet first.
And sometimes, just sometimes they will turn you from a lapdog to a Godson.
If that doesn’t work, you can always use
some controversy. The bigger the accusation, the better chances you’ll
gain favours from rivals:
Step 2: Hustle Through The Bustle
A Politician’s life is all about Pride & Prejudice. The more you intimidate, the higher you elevate yourself. “Tujhe maalum nahi mein kaun hu!” seems to effectively open enemy taps every time.
If things get ugly and public, just deny. Its the never give up of Netagiri. Denial. That’s all you need.
Step 3: Polish Your Resume
A well researched and widely conducted
survey has confirmed that politicians with criminal records have higher
chances of securing top seats. So, what are you waiting for? Do it! Just
do it! Don’t let your dreams be dreams! Go out there and work hard at
it! Nothing is impossible!
Step 4: Murder Through The Hurdles
Gundagiri and Netagiri are just two sides of the same coin. And sometimes in order to do great things, you just need to do very, very bad.
Start with threats. You won’t go too far without the sanskaar of sarkaar.
But you can’t claim to chill like a villain if you don’t spill blood.
Remember never to dip your hands in the gutter. There’s people designed for this job.
Obviously, you will again be in the media. And what do you do when you’re in the media? Saaaayy? Saaaayyy? Saaaaayyy…
Step 5: Your Quotes Better Be Killing Jokes
What does the janta want? To be happy. And what makes the janta
happy other than maggi? Jokes. So even if you have to sing, “I started a
joke…but I realized the joke’s on me.” its alright! As long as they’re
laughing, it doesn’t matter if they’re laughing at you.
For starters, here are some fine examples to be inspired by:
Do check your facts before you claim. And discard them anyway.
Step 6: Divide And Rule
The Britishers (as Indians love to call
them) indoctrinated a few vital things in our Government. Divide &
Rule is definitely the fool proof, faster than a speeding bullet route
to instant stardom. Communal Disarmony does wonders for everyone.
You speak against a community you aren’t
part of, your people will vote and donate for you. So will people for
your opposition? Who wins? Both! Who loses? The people. But when did the
people ever matter?
Step 7: To Fool Is Cool
Remember: Sacche Waade & Kacche Dhaage never last. But make them anyway.
And when the janta asks, “Kya hua tera waada? Woh kasam, woh iraada?”
Step 8: Why Cahoot When You Can Loot
Of course you got in with promises, but the only promise you need to keep is the one you made to thine vile self: “Through the people, for my bank, by thy bank.”
Because if you keep your promises to the janta, you’ll have to beg for yourself with a ghanta.
And what do you do when you get caught?
Step 9: You’re Loud Or You’re Out
If the tongue doesn’t bling, even Singh isn’t king.
So keep talking, even if it doesn’t make sense.
Step 10: Party > Country
By this point you have reached the stage where you can do anything you want. But never, I repeat, never compromise your party’s position. Else you will end up like this:
If you have abided by the laws of the Ten Commandments, you have achieved success!
Congratulations!
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